In the game of adulting, a herd accompanies you past the milestones. When you’re young, everyone you know is graduating college, landing a first job, getting married, having kids. As you approach middle age, the milestones become less celebratory. Everyone you know is loosening their belt, losing their hair, losing their T. And then comes the most disorienting loss of all: their parents.
For this milestone, I was a reluctant advance scout, far ahead of the herd. My mom died seven years ago, when I was 32. I’ve written about the peculiar feeling of becoming a newly orphaned adult. Here, I’ll share some thoughts about how to be a good parent as you’re losing yours.
Be Direct
This is no time for euphemism. If your father is in hospice care, he’s not “feeling a little sick.” When your mom flatlines, she is not “sleeping.” Your dad is dying. Your mom is dead. It’s brutal, but it’s the truth. Your kids need the opportunity to say goodbye, just as you do. If you hedge reality, the gravity of the situation will escape them.
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Kids learn the reality you define, and you’ll only blur it if you speak in clumsy metaphors. A side effect of euphemism is anxiety. The kiddos may become scared of going to bed or getting a cold. After all, PawPaw was feeling a little sick, and now he lives underground in the big flower garden.
Show What You Feel
Cry. Moan. Mope. Stare into space. Your mother will never kiss your cheek again. Your father’s quest for the cheapest gasoline has ceased. He’ll never share another update on that subject.
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Your feelings will be messy and contradictory. Don’t try to make sense of things right away. And don’t hide the mess from your kids. If they’re young, they won’t understand what happened to Grandma. Do not compound this confusion by wearing a brave face that creates the question: Why isn’t Mom sad that Grandma is dead? Mourning openly shows children another way to express love. It’s more than hugs and smiles—it’s also wailing and tears.
But. Your kids don’t need to see you drunk or punching the drywall. There’s a difference between being vulnerable and being scary. Go ahead and climb all the way into despair. Devour an entire Ben & Jerry’s store, puke whiskey and Taco Bell, sleep for 20 hours—whatever. Just make sure your kids are enjoying a sleepover with their cousins while you come unglued.
Tell Stories
There’s research that indicates your boring stories about the way things used to be actually do stick with your kids. Telling family stories provides a sense of connection to the past. More than that, it signals that the subject of your dead mother is not off limits—that you want to keep thinking about her.
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I didn’t do so well with this, initially. I kept a lot of memories about my mom to myself, and my daughter’s empathy told her to shy away from asking. Eventually, it became easy for me to think of my mom without feeling sad, and the stories spilled out.
That encouraged my daughter to tell her own stories. Remember, you and your children are mourning two versions of the same person. They’ll want to talk about the times Grandma snuck extra cookies to them at the dinner table much as you’ll want to reminisce about the time Mom did the boot scootin boogie at your 12th birthday party.
Keep the Routine
You’ll want to sit very still in a dark house. But soccer practice will beckon and a Girl Scout meeting will loom. The pantry will empty and Target will stand ready and eager to welcome you. A life has stopped. Your life is on pause. But life in general goes on. As much as you can, do what you would have done anyway, if your dad’s ashes weren’t sitting in an urn on your dresser.
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My mom died early in the morning on October 29th. I was with her in the hospital room. Two days later, I was with my wife and daughter as we walked around the neighborhood trick or treating. My daughter was only three, and she wanted to dress up and see her friends’ costumes. She was sad, but she was also as candy crazy as Garfield.
I don’t remember much about that evening. I was still in shock. But it was nice to take a break from crying. It was nice to watch my kid squeal with delight at spooky decorations. It was nice to eat my feelings in the form of fun-sized Snickers.
Look Outside Yourself
It’s likely that you won’t be able to navigate this alone. You may be capable, ambitious, resilient and still entirely unmoored. Look for the helpers, as Mr. Rogers used to say.
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There are dozens of kids’ books about death. I bought The Fall of Freddie the Leaf when my mom was dying, but it turned out to be beyond the understanding of my daughter. It remains on a bookshelf across the room, waiting for the next unlucky grandparent to die.
A support group or a good therapist can be miraculous, leading your family through the hurricane of emotions each one of you is feeling. Your child might have no words to express his grief. But maybe he can draw pictures or create videos on your phone. A professional will have the instincts to explore those alternative methods of communication.
Say What You Believe
No one knows what happens after the final heartbeat. Though current events make a strong case that humanity experienced a sudden mass extinction and Hell is real, the afterlife remains unconfirmed. If you’re not down with angels or ghosts don’t pretend otherwise. Older kids will see right through such hypocrisy, and they’ll judge you harshly for it. It’s okay to say you don’t know what happens after we die.
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It’s also okay to create your own mythology. I think of it this way: a little fluttering of the air, just above my right shoulder, like the wings of a butterfly almost touching my ear. I turn my head and feel a warmth like the sun pulled through my body into my toes by the gravity of the Earth. That’s what it’s like when I feel my mom with me. Is it a trick of my creative nature? Is it a touch from an astral being? I don’t need an answer. Either way, I know there’s some part of her that’s still around.
Reports from The Wall Street Journal and other outlets say that AT&T was ready to announce a distribution deal with Chinese smartphone maker Huawei, but the deal fell through at the last minute.
The deal would have seen Huawei phones bundled with service deals in AT&T stores, as carrier stores are the primary way US consumers buy phones. The two companies were ready to announce the deal at the currently ongoing CES trade show in Las Vegas.
Huawei is the number three smartphone vendor worldwide, behind only Apple and Samsung, but the company struggles in the US. Huawei currently sells to consumers online, but the lack of carrier deals has made the company basically irrelevant in the US market. Outside of the US, Huawei is a massive company, making not only phones but also its own line of “HiSilicon” SoCs. The company the largest telecommunications equipment manufacturer in the world, but concerns about Huawei’s relationship to the Chinese government has mostly kept its equipment out of the US.
A report from The Information claims that the same “political pressure” situation happened here. Apparently members of the US Senate and House Intelligence Committee sent a letter to the FCC citing a committee report of Huawei’s alleged ties to the Chinese government, and the letter said that “additional work by the Intelligence Committees on this topic only reinforces concerns regarding Huawei and Chinese espionage.”
Huawei has continually denied allegations that it spies for China.
NHK Blends presents a wonderfully mellowed-out version of AC/DC’s 1980 rock classic Back in Black, performed on traditional Japanese instruments, including the shime-daiko, shakuhachi, and koto with a few owl calls thrown in for good measure.
When the NCAA Women’s Final Four rolls into town at the end of March, it will be one of the largest sporting events in the city’s history by several metrics.
In terms of prestige, it’s right up there with the NHL All-Star game held at Nationwide Arena in 2015. And in a way, it’s bigger. After all, the basketball tournament features a championship game, not just an exhibition.
But it’s also a big deal because it represents the top-tier of sporting events that Columbus can lure. We don’t have a professional…
After adding new features like live TV and DVR (with automated commercial removal), news and Android Auto support over the last year, Plex didn’t seem to bring anything new during tonight’s CES event. However, soon the streaming platform will add another new element as it tries to cover all media consumed across devices: podcasts. We spoke to co-founder Scott Olechowski, who explained that when it launches, users won’t need a server, and as you’d expect with Plex, it will sync access across devices like desktop and mobile. "Where it makes sense" you can expect downloads for offline listening as well.
What could come next, however, is the integration of podcasts with other media accessible on Plex, like TV shows and movies. For example, if you get deep into a new show, it could suggest the official podcast, a fan cast or even a related online video series. By working with content creators to add their shows directly to Plex, it could make its platform even more interesting. TechCrunch mentions that it’s in the "early stages" of talks about licensing its software to companies that sell combo TV tuner/antennas, which could also extend its reach.
Click here to catch up on the latest news from CES 2018.
Click here to catch up on the latest news from CES 2018.
There’s been a lot of controversy surrounding Youtuber Logan Paul and his childish antics while visiting the beautiful country of Japan. Well, if you were unaware, there’s a way you should and shouldn’t act when you’re visiting unfamiliar places. The Japanese have known these rules for hundreds of years.
Back in 1810, Yasumi Roan penned the ultimate guide book for Japanese travelers: Ryoko Yojinshu. It was filled with tips, tricks, and advice that had been gathered over the years from other travelers and various writings from the past. It was such a big hit, the book is still being published today, including an English version called Afoot In Japan, translated by William Scott Wilson. Roan knew the rules of the road, as well as how one should act when being a guest in places away from home.
“You should not idly reach out your hands for fruits like Japanese pears, persimmons, citrons and mandarin oranges being grown at houses or gardens by the side of the road, now matter how ripe and plentiful they are. And of course, you should not mistakenly step on grains inside a village or garden that are being laid out to dry. If people complain about your actions in an area not your own, you will not come out on the best side of the argument, be you right or wrong.”
It may seem obvious that you shouldn’t take or destroy other people’s food, but the lesson here isn’t really about fruit and grain. Note the last line. You have to be extra careful to avoid offending others when you travel. Whether you think you’re right or wrong, you will not look good if the locals dislike your actions. So maybe don’t run around and stick dead fish and octopus parts in people’s faces for kicks and views.
“When you encounter young ladies, female grass cutters, or women in a group that is crossing your path in the mountains or on a path across the fields, it is best to offer a simple greeting but not to follow up with any more useless talk. Also, you should not thoughtlessly laugh at the countrified expressions of someone you may meet [on the road]. Be aware that trouble may begin from trivialities.”
Again, the real lesson here isn’t about how you should treat women (very different times and culture), it’s about knowing where the line is. Be careful of what you say and what you laugh at, especially if it’s because something is different. Don’t overstay your welcome, ask rude questions, utter judgmental statements, or point and laugh at people who are different (or doing something differently) than you.
“When anyone goes to an area unfamiliar to him, [he will find that] various ways of speaking and customs will be different. As the words are different from the place where he lives, he will be accustomed to hearing them, and unaccustomed to seeing what is around him. Though he will think these things to be strange, it is certain that the people of [this unfamiliar area] will think the same of him. It is a mistake to be unaware of this and to laugh at the customs and language of another place. To laugh at and distain another’s words or phrasing can be the source of an altercation.”
You might think some unfamiliar food or custom is weird, or think the people of the country you’re visiting are weird, but they most certainly think the same of you. Laughing or looking down upon customs and people in a foreign land is a quick way to cause trouble for yourself. And when you do cause such trouble, you make everyone else like you look bad. Remember, when you travel, you’re an unofficial emissary of your homeland.
“Things that you should not stop to look at while on the road: fights, arguments, gambling, games of go or shogi, village dances, village sumo matches, a person accidentally killed, or the place where someone was killed. By and large, you should not stop and gaze at places where many people have gathered together.”
I can’t believe people need to be told this (looking at you Logan), but gawking at (or recording) accidents, fights, arguments, or dead bodies is rude and disrespectful wherever you are, but especially when you’re a guest. Whatever is going on that’s drawing a crowd doesn’t concern you. Not only were you not involved in the incident, you’re not even a citizen who has the right to be concerned. Inform authorities if need be, but otherwise move along. Now, Roan also lists games, dances, and sumo matches here as things you shouldn’t stare at, but since these types of things are largely considered tourist attractions anymore, you can go ahead and look at those. Just use your head. If you feel awkward or unsure watching something unfold, don’t linger, and for pity’s sake don’t film it.
MacOS: Once Apple finally embraced the right-click, Mac apps loaded up the right-click menu with extra functions. MacOS even includes several by default. But most American users don’t need to “Convert Text to Simplified Chinese.” Here’s how to get rid of that, and any other right-click menu option, so you can easily find the ones you do want.
Open System Preferences, and click the Keyboard icon. On the top menu, select Shortcuts. On the left menu, select Services. Now go down the right menu and deselect whatever you don’t need. (Not every menu item is available here, but many are.)
While you’re in your Mac’s Keyboard settings, you can disable unused keyboard shortcuts by selecting all the other options in the left menu and digging through their menus.
In interviews with the Washington Free Beacon, four prominent pro-gun women detailed the deluge of vitriol and attempted intimidation they face. Each shared their own experience with death and rape threats as well as threats and hatred directed at their children. Each explained how they’d been forced to involve law enforcement during credible threats to their safety.
All the women who spoke to the Free Beacon have had to alter their daily lives in order to minimize the risk that someone angered by their advocacy might find their homes or where their children go to school. They guard their social media accounts, remain keenly aware of their surroundings, and train their children on what to do in the case of a home intruder. Some of the women have even made efforts to disassociate their names from their property records due to harassment.
And, of course, they train with and carry guns.
Warning: the language used by these women’s attackers is graphic. Click here to read the entire article.
Oregon has just passed a lawthat gives gas stations in rural counties the option of allowing self-pumping (in some rural counties this is allowed only between 6 p.m. and 6 a.m.!) As you have probably heard, this incomplete lifting of an absurd restriction has some Oregonians upset and afraid.
“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian . . . I say NO THANKS! I don’t like to smell like gasoline!” one woman wrote.
“No! Disabled, seniors, people with young children in the car need help. Not to mention getting out of your car with transients around and not feeling safe. This is a very bad idea. Grrr,” another woman wrote.
“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas . . . This [is] a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.”
Most of the rest of the America–where people pump their own gas everyday without a second thought–is having a good laugh at Oregon’s expense. But I am not here to laugh because in every state but one where you can pump your own gas you can’t open a barbershop without a license. A license to cut hair! Ridiculous. I hope people in Alabama are laughing at the rest of America. Or how about a license to be a manicurist? Go ahead Connecticut, laugh at the other states while you get your nails done. Buy contact lens without a prescription? You have the right to smirk British Columbia!
All of the Oregonian complaints about non-professionals pumping gas–“only qualified people should perform this service”, “it’s dangerous” and “what about the jobs”–are familiar from every other state, only applied to different services.
Indeed, I suspect that the only reason we have self-pumping gas stations is that gas stations started offering this option before anyone thought that there should be a law one way or the other. Once we got familiar with self-pumping it didn’t seem like a problem, but if we had had to take a vote it would have been easy to scare people into voting no. After all, the case for trained gas pumpers is far stronger than for licensed barbers.
It’s easier to scare than to inform and we fear losses more than we desire gains so collective decision-making defaults toward stasis.
We have innovations like Uber and Airbnb and many others only because entrepreneurs didn’t have to ask for permission. Had we put these ideas to the vote they would have been defeated. Allow almost anyone with a car to drive customers around town? Stranger danger! Let any house be turned into a hotel? Not in my neighborhood! Once the innovations were brought into existence, the masses saw the benefits but they would not have seen those benefits if the idea had been put to a vote. Demonstration is more powerful than imagination.
More and more, however, the sphere of individual action shrinks and that of collective action grows. Thus, I do not laugh at the Oregonians and their fear of gas pumping freedom. We are all Oregonians in one form or another.
Tred reviews some popular gun magnets products and finds some great tools for staging your home defense and everyday carry weapons.
Gun Magnets Firearms
USA –-(Ammoland.com)- A bright spot in firearms storage tools that has gone mostly unreported on are Gun Magnets.
Available for many years now, this solution to a common firearms access problem has helped a lot of gun owners and has become a real must-have accessory for your car, safe, bed storage locker, bathroom… the list goes on an on.
These magnetic gun mounts have a lot of great applications. You can use them to organize your gun safe by adding storage options or mounts on every available open wall space. I have one on the wall next to my bathroom toilet where I hang my firearm for safe keeping while I am… “reading”. The obvious uses are under office desks and in cars, but magnetic gun holsters/holders work just as well on metal bed frames, sides of refrigerators and on work-out equipment.
I have seen a lot of comments from folks who say the magnets are too weak or they will make my gun barrel, rail or slide a magnetic dust collector. Well, both those arguments don’t hold water. For one the neodymium magnets in all these products are pretty durable and will hold most all handguns and even some rifles and shotguns. They are cheap so I recommend you buy two for long guns. Most if not all come with the standard warning that if you have a pacemaker to keep your distance, the same goes for that metal plate in your head. If you fall into one of these categories, you may have to look for another gun holding solution. The magnets are strong, and the real danger is scratching your gun’s finish. Now on my everyday carry gun, that was not so big a worry as that weapon is worn smooth already. But if you have a nice sidearm you may check and see if a softshell gun holster will stick to the magnet as I found that worked for me on my office filing cabinet, but with two magnets side-by-side.
As far as magnetically contaminating your handgun, the claim individual component magnet polarities on these are charged in the factory, so you do not have cross contamination of nonmagnetic metals. For what that is worth I would still not slide my everyday carry weapon back and forth on the magnetic surface, it is better to pull it straight off to avoid charging your gun’s metal parts.
The variety of gun magnet product choices continues to grow, and some are slightly better utility design than another, but since they are so inexpensive, you may do what I did and buy more than one of each and more than one variety as they defiantly have their niches and you will find multiple uses.
Different Gun Magnets with the Mossberg Shockwave test subject.
In the magnetic products we featured below, we tested the holding strength on two firearms: a Mossberg Shockwave Other Weapon and a Ruger Super Redhawk 44 magnum (each is heavier than most everyday carry weapons).
Here is rundown of the gun magnets products I liked with the manufacture’s descriptions and some comments in no particular order:
My comments: The Keeper brand magnet is a nice 1pc unit with a rubberized cover that is low profile at 0.30″ high. Out of all the magnetic gun holders, we tested this unit had the least holding strength and just barely held the Ruger Super Blackhawk and could NOT hold onto the Mossberg, but it worked as designed with a variety of average handguns. Ironically the package warning says: “Not for use with loaded firearms or for quick draw purposes.” huh? what? I guess it is just for storing your guns long term?
From the Keeper Magnetic Gun Mount product description:
“The Keeper Magnetic Gun Mount is a high grade N35 Neodymium magnets rated at 35 lbs. It has a single piece metal design, build for strength and durability. The thick high quality rubber cover protects your firearms from any scratching. Our unique four magnet setup provides a strong grip while also keeping your firearm straight. Each Keeper Magnetic Gun Mount comes in protective packaging and includes four self-tapping screws and installation guide.
Go for flexibility with the Keeper Magnetic gun mount: No longer do you need a specific magnetic holder for each gun, if it has metal you can mount it. Mount almost any gun type and model in various ways for quick access or storage. Store your firearms in your office, car, truck, entryway, safe, bedroom, desk, table, wall, garage…
Keeper Gun Magnet Exploded view with the rubberized top off. You can see the neodymium magnets configuration, glued to the backing plate. Besides the Taction Halo the other firearms magnet products did not come apart or appeared to be one 1 piece construction.
The Keeper Magnetic Gun Mount has a sleek beautiful design that measures 3.75″L x 1.4″W x 0.30″H. Our design allows for a low-key concealed gun mount that has marked countersunk screw holes that makes your screws sit lower than the rubber cover. Flat square metal back makes it ideal for installation with double sided tape. High-Tech Halback Array setup clears the back of magnetic force, stopping interference with electronics.”
GO-Magnet Gun Magnet Low Profile :
Go Magnet Magnetic Gun Holder
From the Go Magnet Magnetic Gun Holder product description:
“The GO-Magnet Gun Magnet Low Profile model incredibly strong gun magnet is less than 0.5″ thick and can hold just about any pistol on the market* in just about any location.”
“Coated in soft a soft rubber-like substance, it will not scratch your weapon, and will hold firmly without slipping. Each GO-Magnet comes with a separate metal mounting plate a screws, in order to mount to wood or plastic surfaces. If mounting to steel, no screws are required. GO-Magnets is a Veteran Owned Company, and all GO-Magnets are made in Austin, TX. *Does not work on Hi-Point Pistols “
Concealed Carrier Gun Magnet with Adhesive Backing, 2 Pack :
From the Concealed Carrier Gun Magnet product description:
“The Concealed Carrier Gun Magnet with adhesive backing is the Anywhere Magnet set that will fit anywhere you can imagine needing to have access to a firearm.
Most of the “other guys” selling gun magnets don’t provide you with the hardware to install it. WE DO! There is a limited number of places you can store a gun and chances are it’s never where it truly should be if you were to need to use it.
The Concealed Carrier Anywhere Magnet will hold up to 25 lbs. so this will hold any firearm you attach to it, big or small. The product is small and discreet. Specs: Dimensions (L x W x H): 1.5″ x 1″ x 3/4″
The Concealed Carrier Gun Magnet with the included adhesive backing is incredibly light weight at only a few ounces. You can purchase multiple magnets to hold extra magazines or use two magnets to hold one long gun (i.e. rifle, shotgun, etc.) This can be easily mounted in a vehicle. Preferred locations are inside the glovebox and under the steering wheel. The magnet comes standard with an adhesive backing to make mounting easy. Simply stick the magnet to the location to mount of your choice, put the screws in, and you’re done!”
Tac-Mag Gun Magnet
Tac-Mag Gun Magnet
My comments: The TAC Mag Firearms magnet is a compact 1pc design with two pillars with neodymium magnets. The Tac-Mag held all our test weapons quite well. The plastic covering is stiffer than the keeper brands and is similar to the Concealed Carrier Gun Magnet in both design and scale. No adhesive backing comes with this magnet so you have to screw it in place. No screws provided either.
From the Tac-Mag Gun Magnet product description:
“The Tac-Mag Gun Magnet is the The absolute strongest and most durable firearms magnet on the market. Multiple magnets for better contact and capable of supporting up to 25 lbs. The Tac-Mag Gun Magnet is strong enough that guns can be mounted perpendicular or parallel and priced so that you can afford multiple units. It is ideal for under a desk/coffee table and bed side mounting for when time is of the essence. Great for the home, office, car, garage, inside safe etc.”
“The Tac-Mag Gun Magnet is made with neodymium magnets. Also known as rare earth magnets. They are the strongest type of permanent magnet commercially available and incredibly resistant to demagnetization. Each magnetic gun mount easily holds fully loaded Glocks, XDMs, .45s and almost anything else you can throw at it including shotguns and rifle. Measures 2.39″L x 1.04″W x .79″T 4″
Things you should know about our design 1. We incorporate multiple magnets into each of our units. This was done to remedy the problem of having slide releases, safeties or general indentations or extrusions of your firearm from cutting down severely on surface contact. It also served to keep the firearm square to the unit. With only one magnet the gun could spin as if it were a wheel.
We used a special polymer that prevents marring on your expensive firearm while being durable enough to offer a 100% guarantee. We spread the magnets in a lineal fashion to change the fulcrum point. With one gun magnet the barrel could be pressed to the mounting surface easily creating an unsafe condition by limiting contact.
By spreading out the magnets the leverage effect of the barrel is dramatically reduced by creating a contact point far away from the fulcrum. This also prevents spinning that can occur with a single magnet. Lastly we fixed the price. At our price you can actually afford to have these mounted in every place that you believe it should be. They also make great gifts for your gun buddies.”
TACTICON HALO Gun Magnet
TACTICON HALO Gun Magnet
My comments: The Tacticon Halo is the strongest of all the gun magnets we tested, in fact, they were a pain in the @$$ as they stuck to the included screws as well as each other, even pulling in the other gun magnets when I was trying to get the glamor shots. But that same magnetic attraction lets this pair hold all our test weapons and most any firearm or rifle for that matter. With an advertised 30lbs for each magnetic disc, just one was pretty much as strong as the other comparison magnets. Each Tacticon magnet has a removable rubberized cover. The Tacticon comes with screws and a 3m adhesive backing.
“We have revolutionized the way you can mount and store your firearms for easy and discreet access.You don’t ever need to buy another gun rack again. The TACTICON HALO Gun Magnet will fit anywhere you can imagine needing to have access to a firearm.
The Tacticon Armament HALO Magnets will hold up to 30 lbs. so this will hold any firearm, including most long-guns guns you attach to it, big or small. The product is small and discreet to put anywhere you can imagine. Dimensions: 1.25″ Diameter and .25″ height
The product is incredibly light weight at only a few ounces and about the size of a quarter! You will receive 2 gun magnets per order to hold extra magazines or use your two magnets to hold one long gun (i.e. rifle, shotgun, etc.) This can be easily mounted in a vehicle. Preferred locations for mounting a gun in your vehicle are inside the glove box and under the steering wheel.
The gun magnets come standard with an adhesive backing to make mounting easy. Simply stick the gun magnets to the location to mount of your choice, put the single screw in, and you’re done!”