Here Are All The Headlines The Babylon Bee Would Have Written If We Were Around In Bible Times

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Sadly, The Babylon Bee has only been around for five years, which is 5,995 fewer years than the Earth has been around. Had we existed during Bible times, we definitely would have had some hilarious, scathing headlines to cover all the events that happened in ancient Israel and beyond.

But we wanted to bless you. We went back through the Bible archives and came up with our best headlines for what happened in the Bible. Here they are:

 

OLD TESTAMENT 

 

Closed-Minded God Only Creates Two Genders 

 

Crazy Young-Earth Creationist Adam Claims Earth Is Only 7 Days Old

 

Bigot Noah Only Allows Two Genders of Each Animal on Ark

 

Work On Tower Of Babel Near Completion, Grbizt Mcbkd Flimadpt Dipbdeth Swn

 

Friends Concerned for Job After Finding Him Sitting In A Cave Listening To Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ On Repeat

 

LGBTQ Community Beat: Things Heating Up In Sodom And Gomorrah

 

New Reality Show Follows Wild Misadventures Of Jacob, 2 Wives, And 13 Boys

 

Joseph Canceled For Wearing LGBTQ Coat Despite Being A Cishet Male

 

Angel Of Death Says Blood On Doorpost Booster May Be Necessary

 

Pharaoh Starting To Get Weird Feeling He Should Let Israelites go

 

Moses Arrested As He Did Not Have A Permit For Parting Of Red Sea

 

Moses Accidentally Drops Tablet Containing 11th Commandment Saying ‘Thou Shalt Not Start A Social Media Company’

 

God Says We Can’t Go Out For Manna Because We Have Manna At Home

 

Manna Renamed To More Inclusive ‘Theyna’

 

Israelites Spend 40 Years Wandering In Desert After Moses Forgets To Update Apple Maps

 

Jericho Wall Collapse Blamed On Failure To Pass Infrastructure Bill

 

Goliath Identifies As Female To Compete In Women’s MMA

 

Results Of David And Goliath Bout Bankrupts Numerous Bookies

 

God Confirmed Libertarian After Warning Israel Against Having A King

 

Saul Throws Spear At David ‘Cause He Keeps Playing ‘Moves Like Jagger’

 

‘Real Housewives Of Solomon’s Harem’ Reality Show Announced 

 

Breaking: King Solomon Diagnosed With Syphilis

 

Jonah Telling Crazy Stories Again

 

Israel Totally Going To Be Obedient And Follow God This T–Update: Never Mind They Blew It

 

Sources Confirm Ba’al Was Indeed On The Crapper While His Prophets Were Getting Owned

 

Bible Scholars Reveal: Lions Lost Appetite After Hearing Daniel’s Anti-Vax Conspiracy Rant

 

NEW TESTAMENT 

 

Choir Of Heavenly Hosts Cited For Violating Bethlehem’s 8pm Noise Ordinance

 

King Herod Calls For Destroying Any Clumps Of Cells Less Than Two Years Old

 

Pharisee Wears Phylactery So Large He Can’t Lift His Head

 

Zacchaeus Sues Jesus For Not Following ADA Guidelines At Event

 

Pharisees Condemn Jesus’s Miraculous Healings As Unapproved Treatment For Leprosy

 

Jesus Totally Owns Pharisees By Turning Their Tears Into Wine

 

Jesus Heals Your Mom Of Obesity

 

CNN Reports Jesus Only Able To Walk On Water Because Of Climate Change

 

Jesus Hatefully Slut-Shames Woman At Well

 

Pontius Pilate Diagnosed With Germaphobia For Frequent Hand-Washing

 

Jesus Uncancels The Whole World 

 

Local Stoner Named Saul Becomes Apostle 

 

Apostle John Praised For Isolating, Social Distancing On Island Of Patmos

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NOT SATIRE: Trust in media is at an all-time low (shocking… we know) but let’s keep “walking around completely uninformed” as a backup plan.

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