Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Loathsome Journalists

ISRAEL—Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists.

Up until now, Christians have always thought that Jesus hung out with everyone, even those on the dredges of society. But even the loving, compassionate Savior had standards and would not spend any time with news writers.

“Ugh, the journalists are over there — don’t let ’em see me,” He reportedly told tax collector Zaccheus after calling him down from the sycamore tree. “Hide me in your house, quick, so we can get away from those lowlifes.”

“Yeah, you tax collectors are scummy, but at least you’re not a reporter,” he said as they dined and did not try to destroy each other’s lives as journalists would be doing. “You won’t dox people, capitalize on a celebrity’s death for clicks, or try to search through my old tweets.”

Seeing that Jesus was indeed wise, Zaccheus then repented and agreed to pay everyone back and then some for what he had stolen.

“Once I saw that He hated journalists too, I realized He was alright.”