Bible Experts Determine Goliath Died Of COVID-19

ISRAEL—Working at an archaeological dig in the Valley of Elah, Bible experts have come up with an interesting theory concerning the death of Goliath, hulking giant of the Philistines who fought David in one-on-one combat.

Though he did have severe head trauma and neck problems, his death is now being counted as a COVID-19 death.

“While we didn’t test him per se, he exhibited a lot of the symptoms of COVID-19,” said one Bible scholar as he carefully worked to unearth some ancient face masks from Bible times. “The wooziness, the falling down, the headache — it’s all pretty clearly indicative of the novel coronavirus.” He also stated that the virus ran rampant among the Philistines because they did not social distance, while Israel was relatively safe because King Saul declared a lockdown.

One researcher suggested that Goliath did not die of coronavirus but simply ODed, having been stoned. But then the other researchers realized he was telling a dad joke and told him to shut up and keep digging.

At publishing time, scholars had proposed that everyone who died in the Flood, the Israelite conquest of Canaan, and the flattening of Sodom and Gomorrah also died of COVID-19.